Kisses & Constipation
by Orlando Hope
Summary: Claire is pregant and the boy of her dreams is snoring in her ear. Is there any doubt why she's cranky?


Author's Note: I own nothing! If I owned Charlie, do you think I'd be here writing about him? I sat down to work on an entirely different story, and this silly little one came out instead. It seemed to be what Claire wanted to say, so I let her (and her bodily functions!) take center stage. Enjoy – and remember; reviews are a balm to my soul!

AUTHOR: Zeldabel / Orlando Hope  
PAIRING: Charlie, Claire  
RATING: PG-13  
WARNING: None  
SUMMARY: Claire, crabby and constipated, decides if she can't sleep, neither can Charlie.

For the first time in her life, optimistic little Claire Littleton was just plain crabby. The small of her back ached, she had to get up and pee every few minutes (if only the baby would move his foot off her bladder!), her breasts were sore and swollen and she hadn't seen her ankles in, like, _months. _ She never realized just how much she appreciated her ankles until they disappeared.

Plus, she was stuck on a deserted island, far away from hospitals, epidurals and laughing gas. Surprisingly, compared with all her other complaints, being stranded was the least of her worries.

She was so uncomfortable. Shifting her bulk, she tried to get more comfortable on the cave floor. As she shifted, a loud fart escaped from between her thighs. She cringed. God, that had sounded like a foghorn! Embarrassed, she glanced over at Charlie, afraid she had woken him up. To her relief, he snoozed on, oblivious to her distress.

She was glad she hadn't woke him up—she was really sweet on Charlie, and the idea of her waking him up by _farting _really wasn't the best way to start off a budding relationship. Had they been back in Australia, she could have teased him awake with tiny, biting kisses up his neck, tickled his chest and nipples with a long feather-Claire groaned. God, now with these thoughts swirling about her mind, she was more uncomfortable than ever. She was almost ready to pop, and she wanted sex! That was how she had gotten in this predicament in the first place!

Charlie emitted a little snore and rolled toward her in his sleep. Instinctively, his hand sought hers. Smiling a bit, she threaded her fingers through his, awed when his calloused fingers closed over hers. Even in sleep, he watched out for her. If Charlie Pace was one thing, it wasn't a rock god or an ex-drug addict: Charlie Pace was her protector.

Sleeping…how adorable he looked, his light lashes spread across his cheeks, his rosebud mouth slightly ajar, his forehead smooth and unlined. Sleeping…Claire sighed. She'd had chronic insomnia since her first trimester. Now, thanks to the water retention and slight nausea, the insomnia was worse than ever. She couldn't sleep. Yet Charlie snored on.

Humph. He claimed to be so concerned about Claire, yet he was _sleeping _while she was wide awake and miserable. Some protector! Suddenly, she was grumpy with not only her pregnancy-riddled body, but also with Charlie. How dare he sleep without her!

"Charlie!" Claire said, struggling to sit upright. She had raise her arms and legs a bit, then rock back and forth on her bum, but she managed to sit up. She looked back at Charlie, still blissfully asleep.

"Charlie!" She yelled, louder this time. She reached down and tweaked his nose.

"Remind me later," Charlie mumbled. "Right now, I need to get my guitar to the dry cleaners."

Then he rolled over, away from her.

Claire was outraged. Reaching down, she grabbed the wadded up jacket she used as a pillow and whacked him over the head. "CHARLIE!"

"I can explain!" Charlie cried, leaping to his feet. His eyes were wide, panicked. He glanced from one cave wall to the next, not really focusing on anything. He shoved both hands through his hair, leaving it crazy and practically vertical. Then, he glanced down at Claire, giggling at his feet. "Claire?" He asked, dazed.

Claire reached up and tugged on his hand. "Sit back down, luv," she said, unable to stop giggling.

Charlie sank to the earth, his mind still fuzzy. Then, panic set in. He grabbed Claire, a little more roughly than he had intended, by the shoulders. "Claire, are you all right? Did someone try and hurt you?"

Claire smiled. "No, Charlie, I'm fine. We've been alone since we came to bed."

His eyes, if possible, grew even wider. "Is it the baby? Is little Demetrius on his way?"

"No, Charlie, the baby is-" Claire stopped, not sure she had heard correctly. "Demetrius?"

Charlie reconsidered. "Giovanni, perhaps?"

"Giovanni. It sounds like either a perfectly respectable pizza parlor owner or a Mafia godfather."

Charlie looked dreamy. "Pizza."

Claire sighed. Charlie was, to Claire, absolutely perfect, but he was, as much as she hated to admit it, a guy. Guys seemed to think about two things: sex and food. The person who had first used whipped cream during sex probably died a billionaire.

"Claire?" Charlie had released his hold on her shoulders, and was leaning in close to her.

"So why did you yell? Why did you wake me up?"

Oh, God. Why did he have to smell so good? After weeks on the island, with Ivory soap only a memory, she would have expected him to smell less than rosy. Instead, she could smell sea salt and sunshine, male sweat and maybe even a little fish. Ugh, fish. She groaned and cupped her stomach.

"It is the baby!" Charlie exclaimed. "We need to get Jack! I'll go-"

"No!" Claire interrupted. "Stay where you are!" She took four deep breaths, praying for the wave of nausea to pass. Not now! She wanted to talk to Charlie, to tell him what thoughts were chasing themselves around in her head, for the nausea to stop, she wanted to-

"I WANT TO KISS YOU!"

Charlie's jaw dropped open in shock. "Okay, that was the last thing I was expecting."

Claire took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."

"So you claim," Charlie said. "Personally, I think you're faking. Just want the attention."

Claire ignored him. "I have these ugly broken capillaries all over my body, it's difficult to breathe, my boobs are sore, I haven't taken a dump in over two weeks…"

Charlie looked panicked. "Perhaps I should get Rose."

"…I woke myself up twice last night passing gas…"

"Or Kate?" Charlie suggested. "How about Kate?"

"And my back feels like it's about to snap in two." Her eyes filled with tears. "And, the very worst part is, I'm grumpy. I don't want to feel so bad."

Charlie's expression softened. "Ah, luv," he cooed, sitting beside her and drawing her head onto his shoulder. "Everything is going to be fine, I promise. We're all going to take care of you and the baby."

Claire sniffled. "You mean **_you _**are going to take care of me and the baby," she corrected.

Charlie smiled into her hair. "Yes, I'm going to take care of you both," he promised. "My little family."

"There's something else," Claire admitted.

"What's that, luv?"

"Well, what I said before," she said. "I want to kiss you."

Charlie was quiet for a moment. Claire tilted her head back so she could look at him. He sat quietly, one arm threaded around her shoulder, now staring out into the darkness. "Charlie?" She said.

He shook his head. "Sorry, luv." He smiled, his eyes downcast. "It's just so funny."

"What, getting kissed by a pregnant lady is funny?"

"No! The thing is…" he looked a bit embarrassed. "I've wanted to song you senseless ever since I watched you waddle onto the plane in Sydney."

Claire struggled a bit to turn and face him. Lightly, she put her hands on either side of his face. "Then let's not wait any longer."

Charlie held her gaze. "Claire, we don't have to do this."

"You don't want to kiss me?"

"No! I mean yes! Yes, I want to kiss you. I want to do **_more _**than kiss you. I just don't want to rush you. Hurt you."

"It was my idea, remember? I was lying here, watching you sleep, and I couldn't stop thinking about your lips, your eyes, your nipples-"

Charlie's eyes bulged. "My _nipples?" _

Claire laughed. "Yes, and what wonderfully naughty things I'd like to do to them," she said, her voice low and husky.

Charlie looked like he was about to pass out.

"But," Claire continued. "I'm pregnant. I can't really do a lot of the things I want to do to you." She looked contrite. "All I can do is burp and pass gas and-"

"Yes, I think we've covered that, luv," Charlie interceded quickly.

Claire smiled. "Sorry. Plus…" she voice faltered.

"Plus?" Charlie prompted.

Claire took a deep breath. "Well, here you are, saddled with this pregnant lady, and you didn't even get to enjoy making her pregnant!" Claire cocked her head. "Did that make any sense? I think I just confused myself."

"You mean Thomas got you pregnant, hat hot, dirty sex with you, and I'm the one who is stuck taking care of you?"

Claire swallowed. "Something like that," she admitted.

Charlie ran his thumb, calloused from years of guitar picking and hard work, down her face. She leaned into his touch, pressing herself all the closer to him. "Ah, darling Claire," he whispered. "I can't wait to make love to you. I want to swallow your screams, fall asleep with you in my arms, let you do whatever it was you were wanting to do with my nipples." He arched an eyebrow. "Exactly what was it you wanted to do with my nipples?"

Claire leaned over and whispered in his ear, nuzzling his neck as she spoke. Charlie swallowed convulsively, and one hand reached down to cup Claire's bottom. "My God, what do they teach you girls in Australia? No wonder Liam moved there!" He frowned a bit. "No one had better teach my little niece that."

Claire snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Charlie, come back."

He shook his head. "Sorry, luv," he smiled. "Ever thought about the baby being a girl?"

Claire cocked her head. "Yes…and no."

"Well, that clears everything up," Charlie said, yawning. Supporting her back, he supported her weight pulled her back down to the cave floor with him. Slipping his arms around her, he pulled her as tightly against him as her bulging tummy would allow. "I want to make love to you, Claire," he whispered. "I want to make love to you because you are you. My beautiful, sweet Claire." He brushed her thick hair back from her face. "But right now, for the first time in my life, I'm having a great time getting to know you. In the past, all I did was take from women. I never gave anything back. This time, I want to do things right. I want to take care of you."

"Trust me," Claire said. "Touch me in just the right spot right now, and you **_will _**be taking care of me."

"Oh, I know that spot," Charlie said gruffly. "And trust me, I can't wait to get my fingers and lips all over that spot. But for right now," he kissed her on the forehead. "This will have to do."

Charlie gently raised Claire's shirt over her tummy. She immediately felt the cool night air on her stomach, and experienced a tingling sensation all the way to her toes. Snuggling down, Charlie put his hands on either side of her pregnant belly, and planted a soft, tender kiss right in the center. Claire's eyes moistened, then widened as the baby kicked.

"He almost got me in the nose!" Charlie exclaimed.

Claire burst out laughing. She couldn't help it.

"Ah, I love it when a girl laughs at my bumbling attempts at romance," Charlie said, sliding his arms around her again. "I'm hurt, you know? Little Bubba just kicked me, and now my girl is laughing at me." He bit his lip and looked thoughtful. "Hum, how to get her to stop laughing?"

Slowly, making sure she was watching his every move, Charlie leaned in and kissed the tip of her nose. Claire's eyes fluttered closed, and he peppered both eyelids with wispy butterfly kisses. He groaned as her arms wrapped around his neck, and her fingers entwined in the tiny curls at the base of her throat. "Claire Girl, you're killing me."

He outlined the shape of her lips with his tongue, then nibbled on her bottom lip. Claire

whimpered and pulled him closer. "Charlie!" She begged.

"I know, luv," he panted. "Just a minute longer. One minute,"- he dropped a searing kiss on her chin—

"of the most" he ran his hot, damp tongue up the graceful column of her throat—

"delicious torture," his thumb found her tender, swollen nipple-

"you've ever had."

Oh, God, she was ready. She wanted him now. Yesterday. Two weeks ago. "Charlie,"

she whispered.

"Oh, my Claire," he replied, his mouth inches from hers. "Claire."

"CHARLIE!"

"Augh!" Charlie and Claire sprang apart, both on their feet in seconds. Claire hadn't moved so fast since the night she'd gotten pregnant. Both looked wildly around the cave.

"Charlie!" Shannon came running into their cave, quickly followed by Boone. "Have you seen Vincent?"

Charlie started at them both. "Vincent? You run in here at—what 2:00 am to see if we've seen the bloody dog? I figured you would have eaten it by now."

"I'm a vegetarian," Shannon said, tossing her perfect hair. "No Lab."

"Look, Walt is pretty upset," Boone said. "He woke up, and Vincent was gone. Michael and Locke have been searching for about an hour."

""**I'M **bloody upset!" Charlie roared. "What, do we need to carve 'Do Not Disturb' on the outside of our cave? We were having a MOMENT here, people!"

Boone, catching sight of Claire's heavy-lidded, smoky expression, looked immediately contrite. "Hey, guys, I'm sorry. We just wanted to help the kid find his dog. Didn't mean to interrupt."

"Well, you bloody well did interrupt! Beat it!"

Boone grabbed Shannon by the arm and pulled her out of the cave. Behind him, Charlie could hear Claire laughing. He turned around, and saw her practically bent over at the waist, absolutely howling. "So you think this is funny, eh?"

"I think it's downright _hilarious!" _Claire gasped, straightening up. "And I-" her face took on an excited expression. "Charlie!" She exclaimed.

Charlie rushed over to her. "Is it the baby!"

"No!" She cried, flushed. "I think I have to take a dump!"


End file.
